Tuesday, October 5, 2021

Change...

      Vulnerability WARNING:


     Interesting how many, if not most, individuals do not like change. I know for me the biggest and most chocking change I believe I ever experienced was the lock downs of 2020. It stripped well over half of what my life had become away from me. No more happy hours, no more driving to the office (although WFH has tremendous benefits!), churches shut down, gyms, bars, theaters and any other form of entertainment. 

     Fortunately, throughout that time, I had great people in my life I got to connect with and spend time with and without them, who knows how I would have responded. What is strange is as much as I hated that change when the opportunity arose to revert back and "unchange" the change I did nothing of the sort. My best friend would encourage; "Why are you not back in the gym the way you were, you were so disciplined." or "Why did you stop writing in your blog, you should really do that!" My therapist would tell me how I should get back to the gym and yoga as I did very consistently prior to the lockdowns. My mother encouraging me to go back to church when they opened up. Basically most everyone in my life was trying to get me to get back to my routine I had prior to all this. 

     Somehow someway I had allowed toxic thinking to take control and I could not get back in that groove. I had been going to therapy and it was not really helping. I was trying to figure out my issues and I could not get to the bottom of it. 

    As a result I was consistently having toxic self thoughts and basically tearing myself down. I was not "taking care of myself" even as my Dr. and his nurse had recommended more than once to me. And as a result those around me had to deal with my bad attitude and depression. Even worse is many of them came to believe they were the reason for my unhappiness. 

     Then I found the book shown below and ordered it! Odd thing is just in the last week and half I have made more progress than months of therapy! I have one more session with my current therapist and after that I am either going to look for a new one or see if I have the continued progress and success I have from these exercises. I even now have two people I know who have got the same book, just from the difference they say it made in me and my thinking. I hope it is as effective for them as it has been for me! My only regret is that I did not have this book a year ago when everything started opening back up. 

     I really had no idea how the negative self-speak was destroying me from the inside out. I mean to the point I was diagnosed with high functioning anxiety. Whereas the "high functioning" may make it sound good it actually exacerbates the issue. Good thing is I can work through this. I am seeing light. I was already on meds from back when the lockdown occurred so I thought I was good. I remember telling people I had so much nervous energy and I needed to go run or something. Well turns out all the "nervous energy" was me basically having day long anxiety attacks. It wound up affecting my heart, for the first time in my life I had high blood pressure, and cholesterol. It was truly damaging. In the last ten days from this book and it's practices I have had many better days! I feel like myself again some days the happy go lucky Jeremy people tend to like haha

     As a "homework" project my therapist wanted me to talk to people I have interacted with over the last year and within he last few months. It was interesting to hear that 100% had seen the decline in my attitude and most found it difficult to be around. Well shit! That sucked. But no more. I am not going to sit here and tell you I never have bad days anymore, but the sheer progress in the last ten days or so has been incredible. 

    So in conclusion do not beat yourself up. And if you feel odd physically even if just "nervous energy" get in to your Dr. ASAP I am confident I will be off these meds soon whereas it is all about positive thinking. Funny thing is two amazing women I know had just started that mantra for their lives about two months ago. Take care of yourselves people and I am going to try to get back to regularly posting in the blog. I know it has been far too long. 







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