Sunday, October 17, 2021

Interesting observations...

     As I am regaining control of my thoughts it is interesting to see the immense impact of anxiety. And for another vulnerable moment; I have never been able to relate to or understand those that suffer badly from anxiety. Not that I did not try, but I can now better understand and be more empathetic to those. A good analogy would be the the show Fit to Fat to Fit. Now I have only ever seen like one or two episodes, just not my kid of show. However, every trainer on there tells how they never could comprehend and fully relate to their clients the way they can after this experience. 

     As I am moving through this journey I am beginning to see the deeply seeded impact it has on everything in life. I have noticed my driving is more relaxing now. Before I would feel as though I needed to get where I was going as quickly as possible. It was honestly stressful and would only increase anxiety. And I do not mean I was the guy that was speed around, rapidly change lanes, or cut you off. I would just have this uncomfortable feeling and slow drivers or catching along red light or a train would literally increase the anxiety even more. But have come to realization that the majority of anxiety (at least from my experience) is self induced by the thoughts we have. 

     My mother would oftentimes tell me over the last several months, "You sure are antsy running around today." I cannot remember if antsy is the exact word she used, but that's is a moot point. A friend might say something, Oh I left such and such inside. And I would immediately jump up and go get it. Or at work...if I missed a phone call or was slow to fund a schedule or complete a reserve request I would feel as though I was slacking. It all literally bled through into every sector of my life. 

     I also became extremely defensive. My poor mother would try to exhibit something just that she felt would be helpful and I would take it though what I was doing was not good enough. A colleague at work might mention something I was doing and I would react with just completely stopping doing that thing rather than just heat them and adjust. 

    A lot of it stems from allowing your thoughts to control your mind. I would get stuck on the negative things in every facet of my life and replay them in my head. I was rarely, if ever, living in the moment. I am now realizing how much greatness I have missed out on over the last several months as a result of this. Also realizing the impact it would have on anyone I was around. It will also begin to erode your self-esteem. Like a frog in a pot, not the boiling water frog either. That erosion will then begin to grind away at your confidence. This is ever so destructive. I look back and wonder how I allowed this. 

     At the same time the lock downs and all that debacle was what I believe triggered it all. During that time I also found myself putting live streams of riots and the looting of stores in the background. The divisiveness of our country and everything going on wore on me more. I guess I began to lose hope. 

     But you know what, we live in America and I do not care what anyone says. I am still of the opinion that we are in the land of opportunity. So on my journey to repossession of my own mind and thoughts I am realizing you have to maintain a level of joy. No one wants to be around a kill joy all the time. 

     Well, I came in and just threw this together so it is not spell checked or grammar checked. And you know what, it was a long work day and I trained afterward and I am tired so I don't care haha Just trying to get come kind of routine of writing again. I did not realize it had been four years since I had posted anything. That is crazy to me. Time flies! Anyway catch you next time. 

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