Sunday, October 17, 2021

Interesting observations...

     As I am regaining control of my thoughts it is interesting to see the immense impact of anxiety. And for another vulnerable moment; I have never been able to relate to or understand those that suffer badly from anxiety. Not that I did not try, but I can now better understand and be more empathetic to those. A good analogy would be the the show Fit to Fat to Fit. Now I have only ever seen like one or two episodes, just not my kid of show. However, every trainer on there tells how they never could comprehend and fully relate to their clients the way they can after this experience. 

     As I am moving through this journey I am beginning to see the deeply seeded impact it has on everything in life. I have noticed my driving is more relaxing now. Before I would feel as though I needed to get where I was going as quickly as possible. It was honestly stressful and would only increase anxiety. And I do not mean I was the guy that was speed around, rapidly change lanes, or cut you off. I would just have this uncomfortable feeling and slow drivers or catching along red light or a train would literally increase the anxiety even more. But have come to realization that the majority of anxiety (at least from my experience) is self induced by the thoughts we have. 

     My mother would oftentimes tell me over the last several months, "You sure are antsy running around today." I cannot remember if antsy is the exact word she used, but that's is a moot point. A friend might say something, Oh I left such and such inside. And I would immediately jump up and go get it. Or at work...if I missed a phone call or was slow to fund a schedule or complete a reserve request I would feel as though I was slacking. It all literally bled through into every sector of my life. 

     I also became extremely defensive. My poor mother would try to exhibit something just that she felt would be helpful and I would take it though what I was doing was not good enough. A colleague at work might mention something I was doing and I would react with just completely stopping doing that thing rather than just heat them and adjust. 

    A lot of it stems from allowing your thoughts to control your mind. I would get stuck on the negative things in every facet of my life and replay them in my head. I was rarely, if ever, living in the moment. I am now realizing how much greatness I have missed out on over the last several months as a result of this. Also realizing the impact it would have on anyone I was around. It will also begin to erode your self-esteem. Like a frog in a pot, not the boiling water frog either. That erosion will then begin to grind away at your confidence. This is ever so destructive. I look back and wonder how I allowed this. 

     At the same time the lock downs and all that debacle was what I believe triggered it all. During that time I also found myself putting live streams of riots and the looting of stores in the background. The divisiveness of our country and everything going on wore on me more. I guess I began to lose hope. 

     But you know what, we live in America and I do not care what anyone says. I am still of the opinion that we are in the land of opportunity. So on my journey to repossession of my own mind and thoughts I am realizing you have to maintain a level of joy. No one wants to be around a kill joy all the time. 

     Well, I came in and just threw this together so it is not spell checked or grammar checked. And you know what, it was a long work day and I trained afterward and I am tired so I don't care haha Just trying to get come kind of routine of writing again. I did not realize it had been four years since I had posted anything. That is crazy to me. Time flies! Anyway catch you next time. 

Thursday, October 14, 2021

Random thoughts...

     There are at least three establishments I frequent where they either do not allow the team member working drive through to ask for tips or they do not even have the ability in the POS system to do tips through the drive through. I wish I knew why. This would probably not bother me so much, I just rarely carry cash. I feel like everyone should work in the service industry for at least a year of their life, minimum. I feel like it would give the opportunity for individuals to show more grace to service workers and would likely increase tipping as well. #thatisall

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

A Minuscule Sphere

     Isn't it interesting where we all are? For me, it has now been 45 years, I have gone to sleep and awoken on this spinning rock floating through space; which is made up of an ever growing world of gases and solids. Then you reduce it down to yourself; just let that sink in as to how small we really are. 
     Yet as tiny as it seems, life is complicated. And it can wear on you. 2020 started out and it was a phenomenal year. Sure there are things that completely suck and I say often how it was not supposed to be this way. Again...complicated. But then with everything going on in the world and our country, at some point I lost myself and allowed misplaced hopes and limited perspectives to take over my mind. I had been beating myself up over this for several months now; to the point I became a stranger to myself. I now realize, even the most grounded people can feel hijacked by the winds of unpredictable change. 

    I got so caught up in tomorrow and the next day and the next month and what was going to happen, I was never living in the moment anymore. I would also get stuck in the past. Within that there is an obvious level of erosion to my own Spirit and soul. I found myself consistently stressed out to the point that I would lash out and it most deeply impacted those closest to me. It was absolutely toxic to every single one of my relationships. Due to never living in the moment it allowed my mind to never even attempt to trust the process and enjoy what time I have with those I love and care about.  

     If you know me very well at all I know you have heard me say more than once, "Life is all about relationships." Then here I was slowly allowing the meaning of one of my own mantras to disintegrate before my very eyes. Then in turn it became a vicious cycle where I would get more down on myself. 

     Now before you think this is going to lead to some inspirational posting, just wait. HAHA There are some truths I had to address in my own mind as I began the process this last week through a couple different avenues. It is amazing the perspective you can see when you stop for a moment and live in the moment and find the positives.

     Now when you evaluate life and what it is you realize that everything on this earth is in a state of decay. It truly is the circle of life. And before you start thinking I am wallowing in the bad stuff, remember decay brings about new life. For example, the remains of a moose killed by a bear also feeds smaller animals and insects and eventually even the soil on which it lay. Or the stone walls of a canyon eroding away in the river and from wind. It turns to sand and dust and feeds beaches and release nutrients and elements into the air that feed other aspects of creation. Some of it even winds up in the sea and the mineral deposits from it feed plankton. Which again begins a long line of the circle of life that leads to the birth and regeneration of many things. All these realities are not the end, but rather a temporary middle.

     Now how long has this world been here? No one knows for sure but millions of years, maybe more? With all that being said, when we put forth an effort we can make this nanosecond worth of time we have here to make some kind of a positive impact. 

Tuesday, October 5, 2021


      Vulnerability WARNING:

     Interesting how many, if not most, individuals do not like change. I know for me the biggest and most chocking change I believe I ever experienced was the lock downs of 2020. It stripped well over half of what my life had become away from me. No more happy hours, no more driving to the office (although WFH has tremendous benefits!), churches shut down, gyms, bars, theaters and any other form of entertainment. 

     Fortunately, throughout that time, I had great people in my life I got to connect with and spend time with and without them, who knows how I would have responded. What is strange is as much as I hated that change when the opportunity arose to revert back and "unchange" the change I did nothing of the sort. My best friend would encourage; "Why are you not back in the gym the way you were, you were so disciplined." or "Why did you stop writing in your blog, you should really do that!" My therapist would tell me how I should get back to the gym and yoga as I did very consistently prior to the lockdowns. My mother encouraging me to go back to church when they opened up. Basically most everyone in my life was trying to get me to get back to my routine I had prior to all this. 

     Somehow someway I had allowed toxic thinking to take control and I could not get back in that groove. I had been going to therapy and it was not really helping. I was trying to figure out my issues and I could not get to the bottom of it. 

    As a result I was consistently having toxic self thoughts and basically tearing myself down. I was not "taking care of myself" even as my Dr. and his nurse had recommended more than once to me. And as a result those around me had to deal with my bad attitude and depression. Even worse is many of them came to believe they were the reason for my unhappiness. 

     Then I found the book shown below and ordered it! Odd thing is just in the last week and half I have made more progress than months of therapy! I have one more session with my current therapist and after that I am either going to look for a new one or see if I have the continued progress and success I have from these exercises. I even now have two people I know who have got the same book, just from the difference they say it made in me and my thinking. I hope it is as effective for them as it has been for me! My only regret is that I did not have this book a year ago when everything started opening back up. 

     I really had no idea how the negative self-speak was destroying me from the inside out. I mean to the point I was diagnosed with high functioning anxiety. Whereas the "high functioning" may make it sound good it actually exacerbates the issue. Good thing is I can work through this. I am seeing light. I was already on meds from back when the lockdown occurred so I thought I was good. I remember telling people I had so much nervous energy and I needed to go run or something. Well turns out all the "nervous energy" was me basically having day long anxiety attacks. It wound up affecting my heart, for the first time in my life I had high blood pressure, and cholesterol. It was truly damaging. In the last ten days from this book and it's practices I have had many better days! I feel like myself again some days the happy go lucky Jeremy people tend to like haha

     As a "homework" project my therapist wanted me to talk to people I have interacted with over the last year and within he last few months. It was interesting to hear that 100% had seen the decline in my attitude and most found it difficult to be around. Well shit! That sucked. But no more. I am not going to sit here and tell you I never have bad days anymore, but the sheer progress in the last ten days or so has been incredible. 

    So in conclusion do not beat yourself up. And if you feel odd physically even if just "nervous energy" get in to your Dr. ASAP I am confident I will be off these meds soon whereas it is all about positive thinking. Funny thing is two amazing women I know had just started that mantra for their lives about two months ago. Take care of yourselves people and I am going to try to get back to regularly posting in the blog. I know it has been far too long.