ImNoBetterThanU

     What does that even mean? Well, it means that four years ago on this day I wrote my first blog posting ever . Going back and reading that last night was interesting to say the least.      I referenced my time in middle school and high school as "...some of the best years of my life." and my move to California "...was the best move I had made...", and even my time in Virginia had its postives whereas I "...minimized smoking, drinking, and eating out.".      Reading that was highly  encouraging. Realizing how far I have come. I was far from living a healthy lifestyle at that time period of my life physically, emotionally, psychologically, or Spiritually. At that time I was scared, confused, and alone. It was before I discovered Andrew , the greatest gift God has ever given me. A time when I knew little of how to be a good friend, son, brother, father, boyfriend, etc. (Which by the way is an area I still have a long way to go in)      The funny thing

what I hear is not what you say my insecurities get in the way past experiences created a lens my interpretation makes no sense what I hear is not what you say due to my actions I now must pay wishing I could turn back time to when my presence brought sublime what I hear is not what you say from your mouth to my ears is a fray seeking wisdom in His word is the only cure I can afford what I hear is not what you say but with listening ears that all can change God has changed me much you see even more to come when I die to me

I humbly come before you Lord as a piece of dirt which you made into something beautiful that which I aspire to become sin places a wedge your son the cross separation removed sin... again... why oh God is it so hard my failure causes damage my cuts and bruises will heal but first heal those I hurt before

Anyone that knows me or even does not know me, but has followed my blog knows I am not a poet...However, it is beginning to flow and whether you think it is good or not matters not to me. Flow it will. In fact I love the following quote from Michael Gungor in a recent blog post. "Your art is worth making even if the industry [world] around you isn’t quite ready for it yet. Make it and let them catch up with you. Your art is sacred. Be honest. Be brave. And don’t let the markets or the industry [or the world] be the final filter on your art, let your heart do that." So I may have one poem or it may continue for weeks, months, even years. Just know that in this season it is beginning to flow and I do not know where it comes from.

heart and ache two words should never be a pair who can know why

You know that moment you discover you have been lied to? Betrayed? Hurts doesn't it?

     If you read yesterdays post ( Incarceration... (Part One) ) then the photo above may look familiar to you only with a different perspective. A broader view of the events. Yesterday showed a young boy looking down as though he were possibly sad, scared, even disappointed. Honestly, it was how I had oftentimes felt the last few weeks until yesterday afternoon/evening. I felt trapped in a cage as though my Spiritual and emotional growth had been put on pause. Realistically I do not have "prison bars" around me; rather I have a hedge of protection.      You see I took these photos a little over a year ago when I was out in California to visit my son Andrew.  I sat watching this father and his son for over a half hour. The young boy would shout out, "Daddy! Get more sticks daddy. Make it better!". Honestly I was in tears majority of the time wishing, hoping, dreaming it could have been me and my son. But I digress...      How often do we pray for protecti

     Have you reached a point where you feel you have finally reached true freedom and healing from past hurts and heartache? You feel healthy to the point you can move forward in life carrying love, joy, strength, and courage...spreading it to all within your circle of influence. I was there. Then God moved me into a new season, brought new people into my life, and led to other relationships ending or becoming less prevalent. Through all this new insecurities are surfaced. The hurt...the pain leads me right back into responding in ways which are unloving. My feelings get hurt and I do not know exactly where it comes from. The worst part is the people witnessing my actions or being involved in them truly had absolutely nothing to do with these insecurities thus unjustly being affected by them. While awaiting the pain and time of this surgery removing the roots of my issues I feel as though I am incarcerated.      Maybe, just maybe it is where I need to be right now...    

     This life can be so difficult at times. You can be having an incredible day and then one phone call, event, occurrence, etc. can change it all. I try so hard at times to be better and I feel that over the last four months I continue to falter in so many areas. Up until the last week or two I have felt I was regressing in my Spiritual journey. When all in all I believe the truth is I was trying to head in a direction ahead of God's timing. I believe it is a "future through street". Is it frustrating, difficult, even painful? Absolutely.       If you are one of the two or three people that actually read my blog; please be praying for me to have the strength to glorify Him in all I do and say. I am scratching and clawing to get back to the Spiritual heights I have reached over the last couple years. And honestly I am probably being hard on myself. Maybe I simply need to forgive myself for sin in my life.      Pray for the relationships in my life that God

     After awakening on January 1st, 2012 I was on my way home when I realized how beautiful the sunrise was both physically and Spiritually. Physically, it was fresh, clean...new. The day prior was a balmy 75 degrees and then a cold front blew in overnight and it was closer to 40 degrees that morning. The wind from the front cleared out all the smog, pollen, and other junk. It left for an absolutely clear and gorgeous blue sky for the first morning of this new year. Now on to what God spoke to me during this time...      The photo shows the power of the sun...the light. It also shows the clarity of the sky. The picture message I got from God was that with this new beginning I should be walking towards the light (His son) constantly pursuing to be closer and more intimate with Him. The fresh air and clarity was Him showing me in the physical realm how everything truly is new in the Spiritual realm (Lamentations 3:22-23) . He also spoke to me explaining how we should honestly