Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Happy Blogoversary

     What does that even mean? Well, it means that four years ago on this day I wrote my first blog posting ever. Going back and reading that last night was interesting to say the least.

     I referenced my time in middle school and high school as "...some of the best years of my life." and my move to California "...was the best move I had made...", and even my time in Virginia had its postives whereas I "...minimized smoking, drinking, and eating out.".

     Reading that was highly  encouraging. Realizing how far I have come. I was far from living a healthy lifestyle at that time period of my life physically, emotionally, psychologically, or Spiritually. At that time I was scared, confused, and alone. It was before I discovered Andrew, the greatest gift God has ever given me. A time when I knew little of how to be a good friend, son, brother, father, boyfriend, etc. (Which by the way is an area I still have a long way to go in)

     The funny thing about coming across my own blog post from four years ago is that here I thought I was in a "rough" season...and in a sense I am. However, reflecting back I realize just how far I have come in all areas my life since then. My response back then would have been to drink; I drank at least a bottle of Patron every weekend (usually more). I would smoke cigarettes to reduce my stress; HAHAHA how ironic being they load you with toxins which stress the body, I would go out and have sex; with someone I knew or go to a bar to find a stranger; I would do drugs; attempting to numb the pain. Regardless I now see the growth.

     Now I pray, praise, worship, read the Word, call friends to discuss my problems, go seek counsel from one wiser than myself, go to the gym, run...just to name a few. Of course I stumble here and there. I do not want to make myself sound all righteous. Just interesting to see where God has brought me over the last four years. It actually stirs my faith and gets me excited for what 2012 (and beyond) will bring.

     So sorry to disappoint I guess this post was more for me than anyone else on this four year Blogoversary of mine.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Hearsay...

what I hear is not what you say
my insecurities get in the way
past experiences created a lens
my interpretation makes no sense

what I hear is not what you say
due to my actions I now must pay
wishing I could turn back time
to when my presence brought sublime

what I hear is not what you say
from your mouth to my ears is a fray
seeking wisdom in His word
is the only cure I can afford

what I hear is not what you say
but with listening ears that all can change
God has changed me much you see
even more to come when I die to me

Monday, January 23, 2012

Awareness...

I humbly come before you Lord
as a piece of dirt
which you made into something beautiful
that which I aspire to become
sin places a wedge
your son
the cross
separation removed
sin...
again...
why oh God is it so hard
my failure causes damage
my cuts and bruises will heal
but first heal those I hurt before

Poetry?!?!

Anyone that knows me or even does not know me, but has followed my blog knows I am not a poet...However, it is beginning to flow and whether you think it is good or not matters not to me. Flow it will.

In fact I love the following quote from Michael Gungor in a recent blog post.

"Your art is worth making even if the industry [world] around you isn’t quite ready for it yet. Make it and let them catch up with you. Your art is sacred. Be honest. Be brave. And don’t let the markets or the industry [or the world] be the final filter on your art, let your heart do that."
So I may have one poem or it may continue for weeks, months, even years. Just know that in this season it is beginning to flow and I do not know where it comes from.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Heart ache...

heart and ache two words
should never be a pair
who can know why

Betrayal....

You know that moment you discover you have been lied to? Betrayed?
Hurts doesn't it?

Monday, January 16, 2012

Incarceration... (Part two) -- PARADIGM SHIFT




     If you read yesterdays post (Incarceration... (Part One)) then the photo above may look familiar to you only with a different perspective. A broader view of the events. Yesterday showed a young boy looking down as though he were possibly sad, scared, even disappointed. Honestly, it was how I had oftentimes felt the last few weeks until yesterday afternoon/evening. I felt trapped in a cage as though my Spiritual and emotional growth had been put on pause. Realistically I do not have "prison bars" around me; rather I have a hedge of protection.

     You see I took these photos a little over a year ago when I was out in California to visit my son Andrew.  I sat watching this father and his son for over a half hour. The young boy would shout out, "Daddy! Get more sticks daddy. Make it better!". Honestly I was in tears majority of the time wishing, hoping, dreaming it could have been me and my son. But I digress...

     How often do we pray for protection or favor? Crying out to God, "Daddy! Keep me safe and secure, make it bigger and stronger!". Then when God provides just that as our heavenly Father when it does not look like we though it would we begin to change our thoughts.We view the situation and focus on what we do not have or what we cannot do. Why is this? How do I so easily forget?

     Just as this photo exhibits a father carefully watching over his son after having built a fort upon his son's request; so does our great God do the same for us. So next time you begin to feel life is crashing down around you try to focus on the good. Step back and look at the big picture.









Recommended reading

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Incarceration... (Part one)



     Have you reached a point where you feel you have finally reached true freedom and healing from past hurts and heartache? You feel healthy to the point you can move forward in life carrying love, joy, strength, and courage...spreading it to all within your circle of influence. I was there. Then God moved me into a new season, brought new people into my life, and led to other relationships ending or becoming less prevalent. Through all this new insecurities are surfaced. The hurt...the pain leads me right back into responding in ways which are unloving. My feelings get hurt and I do not know exactly where it comes from. The worst part is the people witnessing my actions or being involved in them truly had absolutely nothing to do with these insecurities thus unjustly being affected by them. While awaiting the pain and time of this surgery removing the roots of my issues I feel as though I am incarcerated.

     Maybe, just maybe it is where I need to be right now...

     Either way I pray for deliverance ad the song below exhibits my prayer during this time. 


This is occasionally an acerbic journey...


     This life can be so difficult at times. You can be having an incredible day and then one phone call, event, occurrence, etc. can change it all. I try so hard at times to be better and I feel that over the last four months I continue to falter in so many areas. Up until the last week or two I have felt I was regressing in my Spiritual journey. When all in all I believe the truth is I was trying to head in a direction ahead of God's timing. I believe it is a "future through street". Is it frustrating, difficult, even painful? Absolutely. 

     If you are one of the two or three people that actually read my blog; please be praying for me to have the strength to glorify Him in all I do and say. I am scratching and clawing to get back to the Spiritual heights I have reached over the last couple years. And honestly I am probably being hard on myself. Maybe I simply need to forgive myself for sin in my life.

     Pray for the relationships in my life that God give me peace, patience, wisdom, and strength to be the Godly man I need to be to exhort and encourage everyone within my circle of influence as it broadens in 2012. 

     Pray that as insecurities are being dug up and God is getting to the roots that I truly surrender them to Him so they can be addressed and removed from my life. 

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New beginnings...



     After awakening on January 1st, 2012 I was on my way home when I realized how beautiful the sunrise was both physically and Spiritually. Physically, it was fresh, clean...new. The day prior was a balmy 75 degrees and then a cold front blew in overnight and it was closer to 40 degrees that morning. The wind from the front cleared out all the smog, pollen, and other junk. It left for an absolutely clear and gorgeous blue sky for the first morning of this new year. Now on to what God spoke to me during this time...

     The photo shows the power of the sun...the light. It also shows the clarity of the sky. The picture message I got from God was that with this new beginning I should be walking towards the light (His son) constantly pursuing to be closer and more intimate with Him. The fresh air and clarity was Him showing me in the physical realm how everything truly is new in the Spiritual realm (Lamentations 3:22-23). He also spoke to me explaining how we should honestly treat every moment as we do a new calendar year. When we fall short and sin we must be quick to acknowledge that sin, confess the sin, and then repent. In that moment we can truly experience His grace and mercy. We do not have to wait until a new year, a new season in our lives, or even a new morning. Right then and right there He will forgive us our sins and, if we receive it, give us the freedom He intended when He sent His son to die on the cross for us.

     However, I do not want to be one the Christians that causes an individual to believe it is simplified to the point of relaxing. Something else God pointed out to me was path between where I was standing and the horizon where the sun had risen from. Notice it is far from a clear path. I was reminded of what Jesus said in John 16:33. We can pray until we are blue in the face asking for peace (and I assure you I do), but we must remember that there will be trials and tribulation. With that being said we will find peace when we focus first on God, regardless of our circumstances.

     So as we move into the year 2012 let us all try to remember that God's grace and mercy never expires and in fact is constant. So we do not have to wait until 2013, next month, or even the morning to experience the sweet love of Jesus. God's grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, etc. is constant in ways we cannot imagine. So do not spend hours, days, weeks, or more beating yourself up and allowing condemnation from the enemy. Lay it down at the foot of the cross and keep moving towards the sun!